Rookie
by MD14
Summary: The inevitable meeting, conversation, and aftermath of said events after Andy returns. Post 3.13. T for language, and who knows what else.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: For once, I've got a good plan for what's going to happen, as opposed to my usual whims. So here goes. Enjoy, and please review. I do not own Rookie Blue. I wish...

After six months, or twenty six weeks, or one hundred and eighty two days, they were face to face in the middle of the barn, and he was just staring at her. His face was expressionless. He was never an easy read, not even for her, but she could usually pick up on things. But today, nothing, no sense of what was going on in his head.

She'd been on her way out of her talk with Frank about when he wanted her back on shift. Seeing as they ran the entire op out of town, she was done with it all, and completely prepared to leave it in the past, if she could. They'd already been into a session with a therapist, her and Nick, and the doctor saw no need for any immediate counseling. But surely enough, they'd be required to see her twice a week until she saw fit. Other than that, they were fine for active duty. The take down had been somewhat abrupt, and there was confusion about when in the deal they'd be interrupting. It got... messy, to say the least.

He hadn't seen her coming through the barn doors, but he immediately focused his gaze back to his computer screen when he saw her leaving Frank's office. Of course Traci would choose that moment to throw down their case file, and tell him to take it to Frank. He knew it wasn't a strategic plan, Traci hadn't noticed her yet. Had she noticed Andy's return, she would've squealed, ran straight for her and wrap her in a death grip until she promised to never take off again. Sam would be perfectly fine with that. Better she say it than him.

She just stood there looking at him with tired lifeless eyes. He'd done this. He'd made her go. Had he stayed with her, there wouldn't have been any need for her to take some time and space. Had he just promised her dinners, garbage disposal and a walked dog at first, she would never have gone. Andy's color was gone, she was as white as a ghost. Her cheek bones, and clavicle seemed more prominent than before. He recalled in that moment that he once told her that some men think that dark circles around the eyes give a woman's face character. But this was a little extreme. He tried so hard to not let her see the pain it caused him. Sam was well aware that when you're UC you often can't see the changes your body has taken on. There was no way in hell Sam was going to make her feel anything less than beautiful, so he just blocked it out of his mind. He didn't look at her like his Andy, but as a colleague who was on her way out. He took a step to the side and moved beyond her and didn't let himself stop until he had already knocked on Frank's door.

When he let himself look back over his shoulder at her, she had her eyes closed and was releasing a deep breath as though she was disappointed with what just happened. He screwed his eyelids shut for a second while grinding his back teeth knowing he'd handle that encounter wrong. But right know he had a case to solve, and he'd just have to explain that to her later, when the inevitable conversation would ensue.

* * *

Traci was sitting in the office when she first noticed the familiar brown coat walking across the barn. She was on her feet in a heartbeat, and standing in front of Andy within seconds.

"Andy." She said simply, hugging her best friend tightly. "I'm so glad you're back, safe."

Andy let herself get lost in the embrace, and let a few tears fall in a moment of weakness. Traci pulled back, and noticed the uncharacteristic tears shed, and decided this should be a little more private.

Once they were alone in the locker room, Traci continued where they left off, by wrapping an arm over Andy's shoulder and squeezing her.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"I just missed you is all. Didn't think six months without you could be that difficult." Andy said, wiping beneath her eyes with her sleeve. "I'm sorry that I left like that. I really did miss you."

"I missed you too dude. It hasn't been the same without you here. I'm just happy you and Nick got home safe. I read that case file, it must've been hard." Traci said empathetically. The taskforce was trying to shut down a human trafficking ring, dealing with exported women coming into Canada to become prostitutes. And Andy, with that lions heart, was going to be on the inside of it all.

"How did you..." Andy trailed off, amazed that she'd somehow gotten an in on the case.

"I was offered the spot first, Andy. When Luke told me I couldn't say goodbye to Leo, I had to turn it down. That's why you left with such little notice." Traci explained, putting her hand over Andy's.

"I shouldn't have gone. I wasn't built for long term undercover. I should've known that that wasn't a way to get time and space." Andy said, not really making much sense to Traci. But none the less, Traci sat and listened. "How's Leo? I wish I hadn't just picked up and left like that, he doesn't need anyone else important disappearing on him."

Traci looked at Andy and saw a heap of regret written all over her face. Guilt was the next guest to make an appearance.

"Andy, he's good. He's doing very well. And you were so good with him while I was... let's say out of commission. He was probably getting sick of you anyways." Traci joked, bumping Andy's shoulder a little.

A fellow officer entered the change room, and that's when Traci realized maybe this was a conversation better suited for a later time.

"I'm coming over tonight okay? I'll bring the wine." She said, before dragging Andy back out into the hall. "I love you, dude." Traci said hugging her tightly, one last time. "I'll see you in a few hours."

"Do me a favour Trace, don't tell the others I'm home just yet. I'll visit them a little later this week, but for now, I just need you."

* * *

As promised, five hours later, while the sun was setting over the cityscape, Traci was sitting in Andy's living room nursing a glass of red wine.

"Sam made detective." She said casually, fishing for a reaction. No one had to tell her it was a cheap shot, she was well aware, but she also knew that Andy would be as guarded as ever. She had her shields up for six months, it wouldn't be easy to bring them down.

"I was wondering why he was out of uniform. It'll be good for him." Andy said without much given away. Her face looked as though it was simply too tired to react to anything. Like nothing was going to shock or surprise her. Andy had always been a terrible liar, and her friends could usually bank on that. But it was evident that she learned a lot while she was away, and maybe she had a tougher poker face to read than anyone could've predicted. "How was he? At first?"

Traci was a little thrown off by Andy's inquiry, but didn't hold back or question her curiosity.

"He was... the same as he'd been for the last little while. Sad, distant. I don't know Andy, the man's hard to read. I guess something was a little off, but I really couldn't tell you what." She confessed.

Andy nodded, taking in what Traci just told her. She took another gulp of wine, and looked back to her friend.

"He told me he loved me when I was holding the grenade." She admitted, sighing as she felt the weight lift from her shoulders.

"What!?" Traci all but yelled. Andy nodded, confirming that Traci heard her right.

"We were in that basement, and he just said it. He said that he loved me, and do you want to know what my genius response was? 'I'm holding a bomb'. You know what I wanted to say? 'Next time please pick a more convenient time. The following are acceptable: in bed, over dinner, or when we're actually still in a relationship.' Do you want to know what his response was? 'So am I.' And then, he put his hands over mine." Andy went through the story slowly, taking the appropriate pauses for Traci to absorb what was being said.

"He, finally, gave me exactly what I wanted, but I found away to be my stubborn self, and let him off the hook for saying it. And then, he stands up and tells me that he meant what he said. But instead of solidifying his declaration, he made a joke about he meant what he said about there being 206 bones in the human body, cause before, I'd asked him... And I just felt like he was going to charm his way out of standing by what he said. All I really wanted was for him to let me know that he was serious about us. So I got ready to storm out and never look back. And every time I said I was done, or didn't care, he was right there making promises that he would prove his love. He'd do all the work to regain my trust, and love. He offered to start by meeting for a drink, and instead, I take off for six months. Surprise! Turns out I'm a fan of time and space."

Traci let her friend go on, afraid that if she interrupted with questions, Andy would raise her defenses again. So despite the emotions and questions that coursed through her, she continued to listen patiently. All the while, Sam's behavior over the last few months made more and more sense.

"I had to go though Traci. Whether or not he'd said all those things, I still would've left. I wanted to be free to make the decision without him being a factor, because I owe that to myself. Right?" She looked up at her friend before drinking more wine. "I love him. I do. And even though I wanted to meet him, I just knew that I'd never be able to respect myself again if my staying was only because of him. I put a lot of faith on him being able to understand why I had to go. And I'm terrified to find out what he thought."

Andy claimed to be terrified, but Traci continued to look at a blank face. She couldn't possibly understand what Andy had been through to become this shell, but she was far more open with her feelings than she'd been before. It was an unlikely trade off, blank face for a river of feelings, but at least Andy hadn't lost her whole sense of self.

"I guess now I just wait. I wait to see what he says. I wait for him to tell me how he wants this to go."

Traci noticed Andy's empty glass, and leaned over to pour her a little more. Story time had only just begun.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Short chapter, I know. I can't write from Sam's side as well as I can Andy. I just understand her character so much better. Anywho, read, review, enjoy :) I do not own Rookie Blue

Traci and Sam were walking out to the parking lot, still bearing the burden of their case. Twelve year old Casey Bowen, shot her father. A girl who was sick of the neglect that consumed her. A girl so young, so new to the world had just changed her future, and the future of her family forever. Her father hadn't died, she shot him in the shoulder, and immediately called an ambulance. When the police arrived she stuck to the story that he'd beaten her home from work and she walked into her house to find him shot and bleeding out. Her father was unconscious and couldn't say otherwise, so they were inclined to believe her.

Neither Traci nor Sam could keep from comparing that family to the McNally's. Had Andy not been as strong as she was, she could've been that girl. Workaholic father, no mother, crazy involved in sports and school. Sam felt like he was almost intruding on her past. Like he wasn't allowed inside that world anymore.

Traci pulled out her keys to unlock her car, when she stopped abruptly.

"I'm going to see her now." She said, looking up at him for some kind of reaction. He raised his eyebrows, but not in surprise. "Don't come tonight. She needs to get her life back on track, Sam."

Traci wasn't sure if he even really cared. Sure, he'd been off his game after she left, but no one wanted to guess if it was because of her, or Jerry. Not even Oliver felt confident making a move to get him to open up. So they left Sam that way, bottled up, waiting for the cork to pop. But nothing happened. He decided to take a spot with the D's, and worked late into the night so he wouldn't lie in bed at night at think of her. Think of her reaction to his confession. Think about the way an animated smile played across her lips when he mentioned getting a dog.

"Right, well, I don't see why I would." He decided, making it clear that nothing had changed after their break up. If she wanted what he'd proposed, she'd have to show up, meet him half way.

* * *

Sitting in his living room, flipping through his channels, and holding tightly onto his beer bottle, more images of Andy flashed through his head. Her decaying body, her sickly look. But he still found her so beautiful. There was a frailty there she'd never had before. She used to be tanned, toned, and vibrant. How could he not make sure she was okay? How could Nash ask him to stay away from her? He needed to know where to go from here, but he saw where Nash was coming from. She has to figure out how to go back to her life, and that's always the hardest part about coming home. But Sam knows he can help her. He knows he can answer a lot of her questions. He can make it easier for her, take off the pressure. It was dangerous coming back from a long UC, because a lot of people needed a crutch, a vice that made them forget. Most people were lucky in that their crutch was trying to forget. Easily worked out with the department therapist. But Andy's brain has trouble compartmentalizing, that was always his specialty, she over thinks. She'll be in bed tonight for hours, staring at her ceiling, the way she did after a hard day at work, or working a troubling case.

God knows he didn't plan on sleeping at all either.

He looked over at the clock on the VCR, and the numbers 11:15 flashed a bright green. Nash would be going home to Leo. If he was going to go, now was the time to do it.

He rolled off the couch, and grabbed his keys and wallet, knowing full well that this was a bad idea.

It was when he was a block and a half away that he thought there was a chance she wouldn't let him up, and then he'd really feel like an idiot. What if his actions earlier blew his chances now? What if she needed as much space as Nash said?

Her building was in sight, and he could see that her lights were on. Good sign. He opted out of parking in the lot, and stayed across the street, staring up at her window. Creepy, maybe if it were some other guy, but he knew he needed a game plan before going in there. It's not enough just to say you're sorry.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Do not own Rookie Blue. Completely unrelated note, I read a few of Tassie's old tweets, and she says episode 4x07 is a wedding episode. I'm pretty sure it's Frank and Noelle, but she also implied that it'd be a big episode for Sam. If I was dying from this withdrawl before... now I'm dead.

A/N 2: With everything that has gone on today, in this crazy screwed up world, remember to hold those you love close. Never forget how lucky you are to love and be loved.

She was on her fifth glass of red wine, and she'd only had three when Traci was over. But she just kept sitting there thinking about the last six months. She'd find herself drifting off on the couch, and then suddenly bolting up right wondering why Nick wasn't back yet. The wine was her solution, it would help her fall asleep, but just for tonight.

Andy was pouring her sixth glass, when there was a knock at her door. She got up slowly, letting the alcohol wash over her, and she made her best effort to walk to the door in a straight line. She set her glass down on the table by the door, and took a deep breath, trying to sober up a little, before throwing it open.

When her eyes met his, she stumbled to her left a little and then pushed off the wall to make herself stand up right once again.

"What're you doin here?" She said, weight shifting from foot to foot, subconsciously.

"I just came to see if you might want to talk." He said simply, letting himself inside to steady her swaying body. He placed his hands on her shoulders to hold her in place. She used her arms to force his off of her in an erratic motion.

"I don't need your help." She muttered stubbornly, turning around and grabbing her glass of wine on the way. "What do you want to talk about?"

He sighed, and closed the door before following her into her living room, where she was already on the couch taking a drink from the glass.

"About anything you want. The taskforce, you, us..." He trailed off. She huffed and laughed maliciously.

"What us?" She said dryly, draining her glass. He knew she'd had way too much, and these weren't her real thoughts. She was bitter, she should be, but she also wouldn't be like this if she were sober.

"I guess that's my question." He replies, hoping that if he doesn't give her the satisfaction of fighting back, she'll really say something he can use.

She stays perfectly silent for a good minute, and moves her glass in circles to study the wines legs. He's taken off his jacket, and found a seat in the corner of her living room. When she finally speaks it catches him completely off guard.

"Do you wanna know why you save the good candy for later?"

He can't see where this is going, or if she's even talking about anything relevant. Andy's pretty good at logical thought even when she's been drinking... much better than him at least. Either way she doesn't give him an opportunity to respond before she explains.

"Some people can't handle it all at once. You don't brush your teeth well enough, you get cavities."

Now he's completely thrown off. He understands that the good candy was a term they once coined for them. They were one another's good candy, but that's all he could grasp.

"McNally... What does this have to do with anything?"

She exhales, clearly frustrated with him, and he wants nothing more than to understand what's going through her head. But she lets that frustration get the better of her.

"God! It's a metaphor Sam! It's a metaphor for we jumped into this too fast. And if you're going to take things too fast, you have to at least take care of what you have, and we didn't. And it's on me. I jumped the gun. And I'm sorry." She yells.

It finally clicks, and he immediately sits himself down on the couch with her. He puts a hand on her thigh, merely to get her to face him. Once she does, he takes his hand off letting her know it was an innocent action.

"This is not what I meant when I said talking about us McNally..."

"There! Like calling me McNally when we're alone. Or at home. It's so impersonal, and it didn't used to bother me, but sometime in the last five months, it got old Sam. I rarely call you Swarek. So here's the trade off. From now on, as long as I'm McNally, you're Swarek."

He knows he's made a great mistake now, and wants desperately to backtrack. He knows that when things are personal, she's Andy. There's a fine line of time that he calls her Andy, and never once has he used McNally in their private time together, unless they were being flirty, or bickering.

"I get that you're pissed, maybe we should talk later..." He suggests, not wanting to leave her alone.

"I wasn't pissed." She mutters. He knows she's not completely listening to him. She's picking out what she wants to hear, and elaborating on it. "For the last few months, I was regretting leaving. Hating that I left you without an explanation. Wondering if you'd forgive me for leaving. But seeing you. Being back. Being in this apartment with you. It feels like no time has passed. I feel like everything is just going to go back to the way it was, and I just have to tell you that it can't. It won't ever be the same. We both agreed that there'd be no going back."

He's surprised at how soberly it comes out. This was a real thought, coming from sober Andy. And as soon as she too realizes it, she's in the kitchen pouring herself another glass. Sam gets up and grabs her now full glass before she can take it.

"I think you've had enough." He says warningly. He'd found her crutch. It was her fathers, so it only made sense. But he'd hoped she'd be smarter, hoped she'd learned from him that it was a deadly choice. A choice that meant sometimes losing everything.

"I think this is my home, and it's time for you to go." She says, shocked that he would even dare stop her. It wasn't his business any more, he'd made sure of that. "You have no right."

"I know that Andy. But this is dangerous and stupid and you know it. Maybe it's just for tonight. But then tomorrow you still feel this way, and until you talk to someone about it, it's going to be every day for the rest of your life."

She accepted what she was being told, but couldn't let him win. It _was_ just for tonight.

"I'll talk to the department-"

"No you won't. You'll tell her it was awful, you'll toss her a few bones, but you'll never tell her everything you saw, everything you had to do. And how could you? She won't understand." He knows he's just pushing her buttons, he's forcing her to talk to him, forcing the tears that are threatening to fall from her red eyes. "Nobody will."

"You won't." She says, turning back to the living room, giving up on the wine.

"Try me."

She exhales, starting to feel that the wine really was going to put her to sleep. At least undercover she'd always had Nick with her. Tonight would be the first without him.

"Not tonight Sam, just... please go." She said softly, finally letting her heavy eyelids drop and push a tear down her cheek. No movement towards her front door meant that Sam was still in the apartment, and it was unlikely that he'd leave just because she told him to.

She wrapped herself in the warm knitted blanket that hung over the back of the couch, and lay down, resting her head on a throw pillow. He stays standing in the kitchen, watching her frail little body crumple onto the couch. He sat down at the island and waited until he heard her breath even out until he moved to her liquor cabinet. It was well stocked, she'd always had good taste. So instead of pouring it all down the drain, he hid it under the sink.

After about ten seconds he decided that wasn't a very clever spot, and that she'd find it no matter where he put it. He moved it all back, and decided to move her up to her bed, he wouldn't her to go through any unnecessary pain, not anymore. He finally had her cradled perfectly in his arms when he felt her wake up, but she just snuggled further into his chest.

"Where're we going Nick?" She mumbled quietly before letting sleep take over again. It was an honest mistake, and not a bad guess, he'd been with her the last six months, god knows how close they got. But he hated hearing her think it could be Nick. Or that Nick could ever hold her this close.

"Bed." He whispered back.

When Andy opened her eyes the next morning, sunlight blaring through her blinds is what she met. She moaned loudly in protest, and rolled over away from the intrusion. When at last she had to get out of bed and start her day, she noticed a glass of water and an Advil on her bed side table. 'Oh Sam...' She thought to herself, remembering how he'd shown up last night, trying to talk to her. She'd had too much to drink for a Tuesday, and it scared her that she just herself in it. The last thing she needed right now was to shut down, and leave everyone who loves her disappointed.

She groaned, deciding it was too early for these deep dark thoughts, and swallowed the pill and water, and made her way to the kitchen to eat. She opened her fridge and stared at the empty shelves for a solid ten seconds that it registered that she hadn't been home in months. Great. She slammed the door letting a quiet 'fuck' slip its way out of her mouth when she heard noise coming from her couch. Her immediate instinct was reach to her waist band in search of a gun... that wasn't there. Her second instinct was scream for Nick, who also wasn't there. Before she could come up with a third option, she saw Sams dark head of hair, she breathed a sigh of relief, and then remembered to be angry.

"Sam! What the fucking hell?" She yelled, getting over the panic she felt seconds ago. He sat all the way up so she could see his whole head now.

"Sorry... didn't mean to scare you Andy." He mumbled, not daring to call her McNally. She furrowed her eyebrows, wondering why he wasn't explaining himself.

"What the hell are you still doing here?" She questioned, still kind of outrage that he'd assumed his usual role in their... relation friend ship? Whatever they were now.

Sam sighed and looked down at his feet a little embarrassed.

"I was uh, worried I guess." He said, not really wanting to get into it if he could avoid it. She knew what he meant though. He was afraid she'd be back downstairs for the bottle. "I don't want you to make your dads mistakes, and you don't want that either."

She wanted so badly to be mad, or put up some kind of a fight, but after how she embarrassed herself last night, she didn't have a leg to stand on. It was impossible to blame Sam for something that made complete sense.

He got up and smoothed out his wrinkled T-shirt.

"Ok. Well, moment of weakness, it won't happen again." She said lamely, knowing what a flimsy promise it was.

"You can't promise that. And I don't believe you. Just... promise you'll talk to Traci, or Nick. Anybody." He said, finally realizing it'd never be him. She had a lot of people that cared about her, and she didn't need him anymore. Coming to that realization, he reached for his jacket that was in a pile on the floor. He slid it on while she just watched, clutching her robe around her shoulders.

"What was it you really wanted to talk about last?" She whispered, stalling for a few minutes before he'd have to go. Having him within reach again was like relapsing. She didn't need to touch him, or hold him, but to know that he was close, like she could, that was what kept her going. That was what killed her when she left. Not having the chance, or the choice.

"Us." He said sheepishly. "I get that you have a lot to deal with being back. I know that you're not exactly you right now. But I was feeling a little selfish and scared that if we don't talk about this soon... then we're going to be where we were before you left."

Andy had an inkling that he wasn't quite finished, so she didn't contribute.

"Last night, you had some pretty clear thoughts about this not going back to the way it used to be. Did you mean us together? Or the way we were together?"

She shrugged her shoulders, hoping she could blame it on the wine, but he saw through her as usual. She sighed and tried to collect her thoughts before putting it all out there.

"The way we were. If we... if you still stand by what you said, you need to know that dinners, and garbage... it's not all that needs to happen." She says quietly, staring at him as she does. As much as she wants to stare at her feet, she can't very well tell him that everything needs to be open and out there, and be hiding herself while doing it. "You need to be able to communicate with me. Had you said you needed space after Jerry, I would've given it to you. But you just, shut down. And I understand, I really do, but I didn't know how to help you. I didn't know what you needed. That can't happen to us again."

His eyes are soft, and full of a warmth she'd seen on few occasions.

"I get scared sometimes, that you're just going to take off one day, and disappear for months at a time." She said, seeing how hypocritical it was. "And I know, I know, 'This coming from the girl who runs from everything, who just got back from a six month taskforce.' But, it was how I felt. When you don't talk to me, when you can't talk to me, I get scared."

He nods, and takes a couple of steps into the kitchen until their standing very close together. Her bony hands, hang by her sides, and he sweeps one into his strong calloused palm.

"I know. But it's not easy for me, and sometimes you might have to push me, but I want that. I want to be able to tell you things." He says. Every fiber of Sam's being wants to hold her close to his chest, but he doesn't. She does need to figure things out, and he has to wait for her to do that.

"So..." She says after a long silence. "What does this mean?"

He breathes without, what used to feel like a weight, on his chest for the first time in eight months. He lets go of her hand reluctantly, even though she's trying to hold on.

"This means, I'm the rookie now. Whenever you're ready, I'm here to learn." He said, backing up towards the front door. Andy smiles, finally, and his heart feels full seeing the grin that he'd been missing.


End file.
